There is a myth originating in the deserts that span Mexico and the USA, about a Bone Woman. She also goes by the names (in English) The Gatherer and Wolf Woman. Bone Woman wanders through the hills and deserts collecting bones. Bone Woman looks especially for those bones or parts that are in danger of being lost forever. She works very hard, gathers all types of animal bones—deer, crow, rattlesnake—and takes them to the caves and ravines where she lives. Once she has all the bones she needs, she assembles a skeleton. Let’s say it’s a wolf, because that is her favourite. She thinks carefully about what the right words are, the right song, for the wolf. Then she begins to sing to the wolf skeleton. As she sings, the wolf slowly fleshes out, begins to breathe, and opens its eyes. Then it leaps up and runs away across the desert.**
Bone Woman has the power to do this, because in this story, bones are the essence of us. Our skeleton represents our core self. The bones are all the parts of us, including the parts that are lost, in “the desert”, parts that we need to recognize and reclaim to be whole. Claiming all our parts, even the ones we consider “bad”, is important. To leave behind old ways that no longer serve us, it’s helpful to think about “the parts of us”.
All our parts, in therapy
Parts Therapy is a completely developed type of therapy that asks people to consider their parts, giving them names according to their roles.*** For example, parts of you are named as the Manager, or the Firefighter/Protector, or the Exile. You can surmise from their names the role these parts play in your life: the manager takes care of the day-to-day business of living; the firefighter or protector keeps you safe when things go wrong, and the exile is the one you don’t want to acknowledge. The manager part can keep you so busy you do not have time for uncomfortable or painful inner reflection. And the firefighter or protector part can also stop personal growth, because it won’t let the exile part of you be seen or heard.
Finding the exile
The exile is one part that we must recover. The exile is lost in the desert. The exile can be many things but is sometimes our abused child part, who is scared and wounded still. It is difficult to know much about the exile because the protector part keeps us away to maintain safety for all our parts. Looking at this part of ourselves will hurt too much. So, we don’t know why we sabotage our relationships or our success. But it’s because our protector part is doing its job. For example, if you endured childhood trauma within your family, the protector part makes sure that the love and the hurt that comes with it never happens again. Or the protector part makes sure you are not noticed, because to be seen was dangerous in your childhood.
Calming the parts
But that was the past, when you were a small child. If you received some help, or caring and support, the situation may be different now. You are an adult now, who likely knows how to keep yourself safe. The protector needs to be thanked for their service in keeping you safe, and gently asked to stand down. And the parts must all agree that it is OK to be known and to understand we want something different now. They can be calm. Because what we needed before, what was important perhaps for our very survival, is causing problems now.
Of course, this is not that simple. Bone Woman does not stroll through a rose scented garden. She spends many hours searching and gathering in an inhospitable desert. And when she finally has all the parts, Bone Woman still does not rush. Remember, even after she connects the bones, she takes her time to think carefully about what is needed. When she has the right words, the right song, she stands over the skeleton and sings the parts to life. The bones connect, flesh out, a wolf comes alive again and runs off. But this is not actually the end of the story. There is more, a surprise, that points toward the meaning of the Bone Woman story. We see it, after the wolf has gone a long way. It has changed into a human, running freely, joyfully towards a new life.
* Art by Catherine Meyers. Purchased art.
** This is summarized and adapted from a description of the Bone Woman myth contained in Women Who Run With the Wolves by Clarissa Pinkola Estes, Ph.D.
*** Parts therapy was originally developed by Dr. Richard Schwartz. It’s known more formally by the name Internal Family Systems Therapy. It was developed in the 80‘s and is an evidence-based therapy.
