In families, schools, faith communities, and other settings, we have been told since we were children that being kind and compassionate to others is important and good. But, what about our compassion for ourselves? Often, our harshest language is reserved for ourselves. We say things (internally) that we would never say to anyone else.  Can we genuinely and generously practise kindness to others, if we are routinely rude, harsh, sarcastic, or derisive to ourselves?

We may have spent our childhood with critical, harsh, or abusive parents, or had experience with an abusive partner or a boss who shredded our self worth. Sometimes going to school comes with cruel teasing, bullies or learning challenges that deeply affect self esteem. There are many ways we can end up feeling bad about ourselves and getting stuck in negative and hurtful self talk.

But we don’t need to continue damaging self talk; we don’t have to contribute to feelings of poor self worth. We can be a loving, supportive force in our own lives, and we can start with self compassion.

Kristen Neff, PhD and Christopher Germer, PhD, popularized the idea of self compassion in their book, The Mindful Self Compassion Workbook. It’s a helpful book because while people may realize that negative self talk is not good for them, most people do not understand how to change. The following ideas are taken from this workbook, adapted, and expanded in some areas.

Self-kindness: This means when life is hard, overwhelming, even unbearable, we actively soothe and comfort ourselves. We talk to ourselves as we would a best friend who is going through a hard time.

If we were a good friend and our struggling friend talked to us, we may say things like: “I’m sorry that happened to you. That is really hard. You must be so upset. I am here for you. What can I do to help?”   How often have you offered something like that to yourself?

Common humanity:  We are all in the same boat in the sense that life is going to hand us hard things. Living means suffering at times, for everyone, without exception. This is easy to forget. We need to try to remember that suffering is part of the common human experience.

This also means we recognize that all humans are flawed works-in-progress. Everyone fails, makes mistakes, and experiences hardships in life. Divorces happen, jobs are lost, parenting is hard, people we love are going to die. Life is heartbreaking at times.

We can fool ourselves into thinking that things are always supposed to go well, and something is wrong when they don’t. This is simply not a reality-based idea. Rather, it is completely normal and natural that we make mistakes and experience hard things.

Mindfulness:  Mindfulness is an essential element of self-compassion. Why? Because we need to be able to turn inside and recognize when we are suffering. And we need to be able to be with our pain long enough to respond with care and kindness. Acknowledging our pain takes courage and the ability to experience our emotions. Sometimes people avoid being with the pain with distraction or focusing on problem solving.

Mindfulness stops avoidance of painful thoughts and emotions. It also prevents us from becoming overidentified with negative thoughts and feelings and getting submerged by them. Strong negative thoughts and feelings can narrow our focus and exaggerate our experience.  The workbook uses these self talk examples: Not “I made a mistake” but “I am a failure”.  Not only was “I disappointed” but “My life is disappointing”.  When we use mindfulness well, we can acknowledge suffering without exaggerating it. This allows us to take a wiser, more realistic, and accurate perspective on ourselves and our lives.

You must be prepared to sit with the pain awareness brings. Emotional pain can be intense, but it can be managed, and it will pass. You have handled other hard feelings, and you can handle this too. What will you do to manage the emotion? Have a plan and be prepared to use the healthy strategies you have found helpful in the past. Some basic strategies: pause and take a few deep, slow breaths; take a time out from the issue; use your senses to focus on the outside world to have a break from the feelings; take a walk or other exercise; talk to someone.

Self compassion is a habit that can help you manage life challenges. Start by setting a small goal: can you become aware of unhelpful, hurtful self talk? Can you pick a favourite kind thing that you believe to be true, to say to yourself and start a daily practice?

Research[i] tells us that compassion can contribute to wellbeing. Make the compassion you offer to yourself as generous as that which you give to others.

[i] Neff and Garner cite MacBeth, A. & Gumley, A. (2012), who prepared this study: A Metanalysis of the Association Between Self-compassion and Psychopathology, published in the Clinical Psychology Review, 32, 545-552, along with several other research studies. See page 185 of The Mindful Self Compassion Workbook.