“It is not the strongest of the species that survive, nor the most intelligent, but the one most responsive to change”

-Charles Darwin

It changed day to day and we tried to keep up—we scraped frost, snow and ice off our windshields to go to work. The next day we savoured extra morning time because we didn’t have to. We switched coats, shoes and boots every day, hoping to get it right, to stay warm or to stay cool.

Today, snowdrops fall on our faces, chilling us as we walk. Our winter-weary spirits look for the small green shoots announcing spring, nowhere to be found. A pair of wild geese stand on a frozen pond, seemingly waiting for the thaw. Maybe they are weary too.

But of course, the season will change: everything does. Change is undeniable and inescapable. We say goodbye to friends and spouses, change our jobs, grieve for our pets, our children grow up, the childhood home is sold. We are surprised to find love after being solitary. We make a delightful new friend; an old friend moves away. For better or for worse, our looks, our health, change. We start anew. We adapt. And we know that whatever we have today, it will also be gone someday.

And yet. We have habits, destructive habits, that we just can’t seem to change. Maybe we are a secret smoker, candy lover, drink a little too much. Maybe it is a more serious habit—an addiction to alcohol, drugs, gambling, porn, shopping. How do we change these habits that hurt us?

Dr. Gabor Mate is a well-known Canadian physician, author and researcher on the subject of addictions. He adapted a helpful model called Four-Step Self-Treatment[1]. Here is a brief summary of the approach that can be used for many different kinds of change efforts. It can be explored and expanded by reading Dr. Mate’s book, or in therapy.

Step 1:  Relabel

Label the thought or urge for exactly what it is and do not mistake it for reality. Say: I don’t need to buy anything now; I am only having a thought that I have this need. It’s a false belief. I may feel it’s urgent, but there is really nothing urgent going on.

Step 2: Re-attribute

Place the blame directly on your brain.  Know that this is your brain sending you a false message. This acknowledges where the destructive urge came from: in faulty neurological circuits, programmed into your brain. These are most likely from when you were a child, and can exist as a result of harmful experiences.

Step 3: Re-focus

In this step, you are buying yourself time. The urge may be powerful, but it is transient (Remember, everything is impermanent!) It is a mind-phantom, it will pass with time. What’s important is: “It’s not how you feel that counts. It’s what you do”.

Step 4: Re-value

The purpose of this step is actually to de–value the thing you want or want to do. You must, Dr. Mate says, “drive into your own thick skull what has been the real impact of the [addictive] urge in your life”. Remind yourself —why do you want to change? Maybe you’ve been ashamed or embarrassed when you spent too much or overate. Or, while you were chasing or participating in the destructive urge, you lost time with people you love. You’ve likely given up things, hurt relationships, lied, or are not living with integrity. Consciously and actively revalue the substance/experience, and what it has done, what it has cost. Write it down and keep this close.

Step 5: Re-Create

Dr. Mate has added this 5^th step. In his words, “it’s time to re-create: to choose a different life”. He tells us to examine our values, passions, capabilities. What is the life you really want? What is it that you choose to create now?

If you don’t change, your situation will. Remember, everything is impermanent. But why not make it now, on your timeline and with your intention? Is it really harder to change than to live with the destructive habit and its harmful effects on your life?

I knew a man who everyone thought would never change. He had been an alcoholic for decades. In his sixties, he quit drinking. I don’t know exactly why he decided to change. But I know he had time before he died to recover his sense of self, repair what relationships he could, and create new relationships with a sober community. He found some peace in his sobriety.

Everything changes, and we have a chance to change every day.

[1] This set of steps for change is outlined in Dr. Schwartz’s book Brain Lock, originally created as a treatment for OCD. Dr. Mate has adapted it to help with compulsive or addictive behaviours. Dr. Mate’s version can be found in his book In the Realm of Hungry Ghosts.