Be a gray stone — unknown

It’s 30+ degrees and it’s been two weeks since there has been any significant rain. If you are a gardener, you have become obsessive about watering and watching your browning plants. Kids who usually spend the summer biking and playing are staying inside or taking short dips in the newly purchased backyard pool. Many people have moved to their basements, trying to get some quality sleep. It is worse for those who work physically and outside. Heat stroke, where the body can no longer cool and control its temperature, is a real danger.

Yet, we are Canadian, and we have a certain acceptance and stoicism about the weather. So we continue, we carry on. We sit outside in the early morning or late evening. We even go to the family reunion. And this brings a different kind of heat. Many families have challenging, difficult people. Here, we will focus on one kind of family member, the one that checks all the boxes for narcissistic behaviour.

Are they grandiose, exaggerating their abilities and accomplishments? And also sometimes falsely modest, in order to manipulate you? Do they say they care about others, but their actions are in their own self interest? Do they fill the room with their presence, taking all the air? Is history somehow changed when they tell it, do they gaslight or blatantly lie about what really happened? Or because they know you well, they know how to push your buttons. And they do, and sit back and enjoy the show. When you finally react, they play the victim. They are masters at making their victim look like a jerk.

Narcissistic behaviour occurs on a spectrum, that is, a range of behaviour from off-putting to the truly malignant. The person with these behaviours does not usually change, though they can mellow over time as they mature and get older, or just get tired of their own dramas. So, it is up to you to handle the heat.

In any setting, there are different ways to do this. A valuable tool is to have good boundaries that you have thought about and practised and are prepared to enforce*. You can also recruit an ally, someone who can help you escape the difficult person, perhaps with a pre- arranged signal. You can set a time limit beforehand, telling your host “That is all the time I have” to attend the family event. And you can also forego the family event, if it is just too much.

Of course, the people at your family reunion can also be interesting and enjoyable. I have a family member who is a geologist. He told me that the chaotic and fast energy of a river or stream is always pushing and rolling pebbles and cobbles and boulders. There is no respite for these rocks. This chaotic and turbulent energy creates the rough rock we call gravel. This energy is the same energy a narcissistic person brings to the world.

But, he said, the gray stone, usually shale, is formed in quiescent (what a wonderful word!) or still waters. Waters like a lake or the oxbow bend of a river. Its layers are formed in waters that are peaceful. Remember this. Like the layers of the stone, you can visualize layers of protection for yourself. When the difficult person engages you, above all, don’t react. Don’t take the bait. Don’t let their words or actions sink in. With effort and practice, you can handle them. You can protect yourself, by being strong and still. You can be a gray stone.

*Boundaries are a larger topic. I have previously written a blog “Setting Healthy Boundaries” and there is a lot of good information available via the Internet.