“Good fences make good neighbours.”

 Robert Frost

my anxious Henri and I walk. These mornings are nature-filled—clear and cool or misty, with a birdsong orchestra and other signs of Alberta wildlife: coyote, fox, skunk, porcupine. We have a sense of the wild, the uncontained.

But Henri and I are “contained”—our land is fenced and Henri is also on a leash. This is because he is anxious, and he will want to warn of danger. For Henri, danger is everywhere. He will hear or smell or see something that triggers him, and a low growl will ensue, followed by frantic barking and running. He will run faster and faster and further and further as his anxiety takes over—it is as if a switch has been flipped at these times. When his anxiety (and need to warn and protect) overwhelms him, the leash stops him. The leash is a tool that sets a boundary, that is, how far he can be away from me. This is important for his mental health (and for my neighbours to stay peacefully sleeping)!

Because to Henri, our walk is not a ramble through the field. We are like the military, or security personnel. We are doing a perimeter check. Henri is calmer when we do this; it helps him feel safe.

Healthy Boundaries

And the same is true for humans. Healthy boundaries help us feel safe and comfortable. And when we learn how to communicate our boundaries well, they are good for us and good for our relationships. We can think ahead, and prepare and practice how to set and communicate our boundaries.

Boundaries are often compared to a fence with a gate—we are the gatekeeper and decide when we permit the boundary or fence “to be crossed”. If someone crosses into our fenced area without our permission and agreement, it is often referred to as a boundary violation.

Different Kinds of Boundaries

Physical boundaries

refer to people’s access to our physical space: how close they can come to us or, for example, whom we greet with a nod, a handshake, or a hug. They can also refer to a boundary about a certain personal place, for example, no one is allowed in my dresser drawer, or kids are not allowed in my bedroom.
Related to physical boundaries are material boundaries, which refer to money and other possessions. How much money will you lend and to whom? Do you have a boundary about money and what you will spend it on? Another example of a material boundary is a boundary about your possessions: this boundary is crossed when your possessions are borrowed and returned damaged or never returned, or when you are pressured to lend your possessions to someone when you don’t want to do that.

Personal or emotional boundaries

help us to navigate relationships and build healthy relationships. We may have boundaries that are too open because we have a need to be liked—leading to us overcommitting and becoming exhausted. Are you always the one giving? Listen to your emotions—if resentment is showing up, perhaps you are being taken advantage of and it may be time to set a boundary.

Intellectual boundaries

can be an important consideration in our divided political world. What areas do we talk about and with whom? For example, if someone is dismissive or belittles our ideas, we may need to set a boundary and not share our ideas about politics or other subjects with them. There are many, many other ways to connect via less divisive and more general topics: for example, weather, gardening, or summer vacation.

Time boundaries

can be violated when you feel you don’t have enough time in your life for things that are necessary and important such as relationships, work and hobbies, and the reason you don’t have this time is that someone is taking too much of your time. That said, time is a gift and there may be times when you, for example, willingly give time to an ill relative and put your hobbies on hold temporarily—this is a choice and not a boundary violation.

Healthy Boundaries are Flexible

If we think back to boundaries as a fence with a gate that we can open and close, healthy boundaries are flexible and dependent on the context or situation and the people involved. Also, our boundaries can change over time. We can, for example, re-assess and decide we are more comfortable financially, and we can now choose to lend money to someone who has proven trustworthiness.

It’s worth spending some time thinking about boundaries and the different kinds of boundaries in your life. Where do you need to set a firmer boundary? Or do you need to relax a boundary? Perhaps something happened that made you trust no one and you set a rigid boundary—do you still need that now you have a different circumstance, different people in your life?

Boundaries can tell us a lot about ourselves and others. Boundaries are very important to my anxious Henri because he needs to feel safe. When we learn to set and communicate boundaries, we can reduce our own anxiety, feel better and honour what is important to us.

Some of this information was summarized and adapted from open-source Therapist Aid information sheets on boundaries, found at www.therapistaid.com.